made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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