Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
tell me about the eggs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
