just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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