i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
