i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
As shirtless as possible
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
