I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
