My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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