I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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