note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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