Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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