i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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