How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
