All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
