Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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