u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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