I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
