i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
