You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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