Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
