people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
