there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
