You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
