i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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