dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
don't judge my taste in strippers
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
