I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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