I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
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I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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