Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
