I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
