Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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