I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
