Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
