those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want to make out with him forever
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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