I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
