im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
