I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
