My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I have aggressive nipples.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
