Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
