i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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