All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
