So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You ate ashes out of my bong
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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