Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.