you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit