you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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