My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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