Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
