last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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