I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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