Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
