PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
