Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
