butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
