I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
