so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
