1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
