i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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