There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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