I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
