my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
