Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
