I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
