I faked an abortion last night.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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