Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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