remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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