Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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