census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
