Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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