i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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